I’ve always found Black Friday completely terrifying. Forget about all those videos with people suckling at the Walmarteat. Trampling. It’s so much more than that. The name. BLACK FRIDAY. Yell it at the person next to you with a desperate shriek. Scary shit.
This is the day after a hallowed holiday of thanks. Where we are supposed to venerate that which we have and hold. Give Thanks! Tomorrow we’re shopping for bullshit we don’t need! Most people eat a meal at around 3pm and watch Detroit Lions football until they fall asleep. I never put this together before, but I imagine in the past Thanksgiving Day meal was pushed earlier and earlier so fat people could wake up earlier and earlier and buy televisions at 25% off.
So in the spirit of painful shopping, a grand sale! Special today! Each one of my fingers! Check the low low prices below!
Left Hand
Pinky Finger $250,000
Ring Finger $100,000
Middle Finger $1,000,000
Index Finger $2,500,000
Thumb $5,000,000
Right Hand
Pinky Finger $500,000
Ring Finger $750,000
Middle Finger $5,000,000
Index Finger $7,500,000
Thumb $20,000,000
*Does not include separation costs of hospital bill, sharp knife, and bottle of Jim Beam.
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I was camped outside of your place all night and tried to storm in at 3 AM, but the authorities denied me my rights as an American to get a frickin’ deal! Gotta pay some attorney bills now, but if the right index finger is still available, I’ll be ready for the after-xmas digit clearance sale.
a couple of those fingers look a little crooked. How much for a toe? It must be manicured!
Can I get 15% off that right middle finger? It’s kinda crooked. Factory defect? Send it to the outlet.
did you have to postdate the article?
[...] on Black Friday I sold my fingers. There are still a few available at an even further discounted rate. [...]