What is it with short, unimaginative/uninspiring movie titles? Takers? The Town? C’mon fellas, you can do better than that. Bonus points for Robert Rodriguez for sticking a short, but not shitty name on the film. Machete. Compact, descriptive, catchy.
Of course, the main character’s name is “Machete” and his weapon of choice for dismembering/disemboweling is a machete. And for those un-hip to Rodriguez’s oeuvre, the character of Machete (played by the ubiquitous Danny Trejo) popped up in 2001′s Spy Kids and the subsequent sequels, appeared in one of Grindhouse‘s faux trailers, and just opened as the #2 film in the realm.
Since I’m soon to be on the run/road, I’ll make this a super-simple review.
Synopsis, Quickly:
On the lam in America and working as a day-laborer (illegally) after his family’s wiped out in Mexico, ex-supercop Machete is randomly chosen to assassinate hardline anti-immigration Senator McLaughlin. Now embroiled in a vast conspiracy, Machete must face old and new foes and, at times, the issue of immigration in America.
Why It’s Worth the $4.50 Early Bird Admission:
The kicky, blood-splattered cold opener in which everyone Machete cares about is killed by drug lord Torrez… but not before our rogue federale hero hacks and stacks up the bodies of faceless cartel minions.
Nudity, cartoonish violence, dark humor, simulated film scratches–it’s a rollicking few minutes of mexploitation that all but evaporates from the rest of the film.
Why It’s Not Worth the $4.50 Early Bird Admission part 1:
It’s just too much:
Too many gravel-voiced villains.
Too much stunt-casting.
Too many drawn-out “message” moments about immigration.
Too many plotlines, too much sprawl, too many characters.
The battle royale ending is too murky and too nonsensical.
Machete, despite being the ostensible star of the film, not only has to fight hordes of goons, he also has to fight for screen-time in his own movie. And he loses. Big time.
Once the plot wheezes into gear, Machete has to account for Don Johnson’s border patrol milita-man and his incompetent sidekick, Jeff Fahey’s shadowy political aide and his vicious sidekick, Robert DeNiro’s corrupt state senator, Steven Seagal’s drug lord, Lindsay Lohan as a debaucherous celebutant, and an independent assassin.
Those are just the bad guys.
In his corner he’s got Jessica Alba as the cop/love interest, Michelle Rodriguez’s underground network leader/love interest, Cheech Marin’s brother/priest, and various immigrant friends.
Following all the various tedious plotlines/characters means Machete is sidelined for large parts of Machete. He’s lost in the jungle of stunt casting. It feels like the priority is finding space/lines for the name actors rather than putting together a coherent, exciting movie.
You don’t get bonus points for trying to “re-launch” Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, and a curiously nude Lindsay Lohan.
Why It’s Not Worth the $4.50 Early Bird Admission part 2:
It’s just not enough:
There’re not enough zippy, holy-shit! moments.
Danny Trejo, when he’s on-screen, is reduced making tough guy faces instead of speaking dialogue.
There’re not enough momentum-building surges.
There’s not enough character development (even for a grungy action movie)…
And there’s not even enough grungy action feel to the movie in general.
The promise of the original fake Grindhouse trailer disappeared once all the Big Name Actors signed on. Take a low-budget, sleazy exploitation action flick, add Jessica Alba, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert DeNiro, and Lindsay Lohan, and you’re left with a jangly lukewarm exercise in compromise with flashes of fun.
Only Lindsay Lohan seems to half-embrace the supposed bizarre nature of Machete. Everyone else plays it straight (and boring) or as flat caricature (and boring).
The Verdict in a Blurb:
Goes for broke so often (and yet not nearly often enough) that it falls flat.
Image Credit: Live for Films
