a monkey soundscape

February 5, 2010
By chicken flava

I was walking up a mountain populated with a bunch of monkeys when I realized nature does not ask for permission. It was 2005 in the Iwatayama Monkey Park on the outskirts of Kyoto Japan. I was halfway up the mountain keeping pace around thirty feet behind a benign French couple who were on the same trek toward the observatory at the top. I was totally alone and pleasantly unaware, soaking in the surroundings and the occasional monkey sighting. I had picked up a walking stick, as you do, and plodded along. Most likely thinking about lunch. Or how awful death by scaphism would be. One or the other.

I hear a loud rustling up ahead which I can clearly see the French couple have stopped to “Qua?”vestigate.  I step up and peek over their shoulders to see some bushes violently rustling. Their nerves were apparent. They started speaking somewhat hurriedly in French. Then I started hearing noises. There was monkey tomfoolery of some kind afoot. And just in case you aren’t entirely sure what monkey tomfoolery sounds like:

The rustling bushes were around 15 feet further up the path and around another 15 feet up to our right. Out of the bumbling brush shoots a monkey at full monkey-speed straight down the hill into the middle of the path the three of us are walking. This motherfucker was pissed. Full on ape banshee. He had the whole breathing hard, flexing muscles, SUPER SIMIAN ALPHA MALE, thing going on. It was like a pool party in Vegas without the strippers (yet competitive amounts of lice). The French young lady we were with quietly shrieked and ran behind her partner. Rightfully so, this cock looked like he was ready to dance. And by dance I mean beat the ever living monkey shit out of whoever was in his way.  Believe it or not, he pumped on his chest and let out a loud and very intimidating noise. King Kliche Kong. Sounded not unlike this:

Now there’s no one at the bottom of this mountain to tell you what to do in this situation so it pretty much boiled down to Walking Stick vs. Monkey Testosterone. So in the heat of the moment, I decided to display my valor, jumped in front of new friends and brandished my stick in a completely awkward fighting stance. He sized me up, sniffed the air. There was tension. I almost wrote “primitive tension” but that’s just fucking stupid. Can you imagine if he was a winged monkey?
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That clip from Dumb and Dumber is hilarious to me. The most annoying sound in the world. Very visionary goals. We should set out to make the “most _____ sound in the world” more often. Let’s try, since we’re visionary around here. The “most effervescent sound in the world”. Fart in the pool. Done. Drop sound. Broooop. Fuzzle.
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David Teie, cellist for the National Symphony Orchestra, set out to attempt to understand the emotions humans feel when hearing music by using a colony of monkeys. He manipulated the sounds that monkeys make when they are feeling calm and mellow, added an elongated cello to it, and boosted it up three octaves. John Cage would be proud. The screeching would be anxiety inducing to humans, but this track actually makes a baboon relax.
Back to the primate standoff. Had I this MP3 on hand I would have lulled him into submission. Either way. He ran off. Full speed. The French couple and I were safe. Thank Buddha. Flop ending and all. Incidentally. I learned about a month ago that I am allergic to monkeys. It was during the acquisition of this specimen, who was (cross?) bred with them somewhere in rural South Florida.  In the room where I picked him out were a bunch of monkey cages. I broke out into some weird rash almost instantly. Allergic to monkeys. I say thats evolution. His name: Monkey.

Ball?

Tune in next week to hear some SHIT TALKING. In the meantime become fan of Chicken Flava on Facebook or you could even follow him as he twats on Twitter. He’s new, so don’t mock him. Actually mock him. Cocksucker.

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Image credit: Michael Panda
Sound credit: NPR
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4 Responses to a monkey soundscape

  1. paul boshears on February 5, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    怖いよ猿!

  2. rachel simhon on February 6, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    I was nearly attacked by an identical couple of monkeys while hiking to a mountaintop monastery in china about 5 years ago, and I can still remember the sound perfectly, as if it were one of my favorite songs. David Teie is my new kindred spirit.

  3. chicken flava on February 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    lots of people have been telling me their stories about near miss attacks by monkeys since i posted this. bastards. who do they think we are? we won the war of evolution. they should recognize that.

  4. eileen on February 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Love the sound effects!

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