the bleeps the sweeps and the creeps looks at a decade

Harumph. Decade retrospectives. Seems like every idiot with mouthpiece is in the business of looking back on the last ten years assessing the things that happened with a fine comb and some wit. I’m not so into that. Retrospecktin’ is not nearly as profitable or hilarious as good ole’ fashioned prospecktin’. So since there’s no gold and I have all my teeth, I’m going to look FORWARD to the next ten years with the visual clarity that the Chicken Flava brand has come to be known. Anyway you don’t want teary eyed eulogies about the World Trade Center attacks or the Bush administration.  Madoff! Obama is black. Etc. Iraq Iran Afghans. A-Rod Tiger Tom Brady. Brangelina Bennifer Beath Ledger. Insert insight. That’s what she said. There. We’re done. Now onto the magic. The better you look, the more you know? I say, the better you look into the FUTURE the more you know.

Nostradamusing to the readers I will make 10 bold predictions about the upcoming decade. I dare you to prove them wrong. All refunds issued ten years from now. Come up with some on your own or complain about mine in the comments section.

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1. Cell Phones will become the new product pariah of choice for shrill idiots and idiots who kill themselves through capitalism. Move over cigarettes its time for telecommunications to take it in the ass while simultaneously slowly murdering unsuspecting consumers. People will realize cell phones are terrible for you. Estimated numbers of people that die while driving and texting are growing at alarming rates, there’s no way the damned things don’t cause tumors, and, to top the whole thing off, people are becoming undead-like antisocial with them emotionally duct taped to their hands. Sure, sexting is totally hot, but I predict people will come to fear these machines more than love them in the next ten years.

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2. I predict my friend Danny WILL get a Dan Marino Themed tattoo (pictured at right) due to incalculable guilt and obvious necessity. We started a facebook group for this over a year ago when my best friend Danny was in Iraq. Support your troops I say. He always talked a bunch of (obvious) bullshit about how he would “definitely get that picture of Marino thats hanging in the sandwich shop tattooed on [his] back if [we] paid for it”. Well we raised almost two grand American and he has since pussy willowed out of it. He claims we still wouldn’t have enough money, and that the people who donated the money won’t pony up. How could they not for what could be the most embarassing/hilarious tattoo on the planet? So I’m bringing this back. Danny, if you don’t get this tattoo nothing you ever say in the future can ever be taken seriously. Look at that picture! Is it Marino or Hasselhoff? Lightning and dolphins jumping out of the Earth’s core. Art historians will write countless books, mark my words. And you Lieutenant Dan, have the chance to make art and life intersect. Full size on your back. This decade.

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3. In 2012 the population of the world will (instead of dying at the hands of mother nature’s wraith) remember Y2K and think about how our national economy is partially fueled by cheap coffee table books and big budget Hollywood films based on our impending, yet never realized, doom.

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4. Water will become something you think about instead of something you use mindlessly. 10 years isn’t long enough but water will inevitably become a more important liquid natural resource than oil. Over the next decade watch for the really rich assholes/corporations positioning themselves in water industries. Not that you have the capability to watch really rich assholes. Also watch for plastic bottle water to become more taboo. As it is kid’s are getting more cavities from lack of fluoride and all we’re doing is wasting plastic. Get a Nalgene people. And if you were smart, or a Bond Villain like myself, you would steal water reserves and/or invest. Prospecktin’ is getting good around here. Very good. A quantum of solace even.

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5. Speaking of really rich assholes, I predict Tiger Woods will fuck a club skank. He shoots, he scores! Some of my predictions had to be easy, and with a billion in the bank so was she.

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6. You will become a fan of Chicken Flava on Facebook. Things you will also do: go to the beach, have a drink, get lost, love, hate, war, peace, and most importantly watch a little porn. You might also find yourself thinking you should go to the gym, or that you would really like read that book by W. Someset Maugham but you really can’t bring yourself to put in on the night stand. You will make something you consider art. You will listen to a song enough that within the same decade you will love, become complacent about, and then be sick of it. You will also complete this same cycle with a person. You will watch a sporting event of which you don’t give a shit about the outcome. I boldly predict, most importantly, first, foremost, and with potatoes, that you will read theavantguardian, watch us grow, and remain a kickass independent forward thinking person, who’s probably got something up their sleeve. Pocket aces.

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7. The Kurds will remain nationless. Sorry guys.

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8. I predict that I, Chicken Flava, will not play a single game of Yahtzee. One time a couple years back I visited a friend of mine and we all played a game of Yahtzee. I had never played and didn’t really know the rules, but the gist is that you roll six dice and tally the points. I rolled first. I rolled a fucking Yahtzee of six sixes. Best roll possible on my first throw. Everyone was completely flabbergasted. My friend broke the hushed silence with a gasping “oh my god, you rolled a Yahtzee of sixes on your first roll ever”. Not in this decade and never again will I play the game of Yahtzee.

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9. Blockbuster Video will become a huge joke. I was in one the other day and it felt completely alien. Are you kidding me we’re still GOING to the video store? It’ll end up being like big hair bands or brick cell phones. Ha! You remember when we used to rent in PERSON? Laughable. Someone with a pager will walk by with Jheri curls, Daisey dukes, mutton chops, and white wing tips and you’ll have to refer to him scathingly as “that blockbuster mutherfucker”. Get with it. Except for the wing tips. Choice shoes never go out of style.

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10. And for my grand finale I make the boldest prediction of all. I predict the Internet will become sentient. Honestly people, with the amount of information we put on the fucker or send through it, the internet is a veritable library o’ usable information that our future robot overlord(s?) will utilize like chess pieces in the mind game of our destruction.  Facebook alone has enough personality profiles to form artificial intelligence. Can you imagine a sentient internet? It would definitely start dating the national debt. We would be completely fucked. I don’t really see how this could possibly not come true. Its science.

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Happy New Year avantguardians. Protect what is new and never stop making bold predictions. May 2010 bring you that totally sweet fortune cookie.

Tune in next week while Chicken Flava gets totally wasted.

Tags: 2012, blockbuster video, chicken flava is a bond villian, dan marino, danny, magic, prospecktin', sexting, so avant garde its absurd, tattoo, tattoos, the internet, the kurds, tiger woods, w somerset maugham, water fear, y2k, yahtzee, you