bsc \/\/ the undeniable badassery of elephants
Ganesha, Lord of Obstacles, Enforcer of Elephant Badassery
This week’s theme has something to do with worshiping Shiva and cucumbers equaling immortality. I didn’t really follow the logic because everyone already knows the the only way to become immortal is to find the philosopher’s stone and make rock soup mixed with the fungus of longevity while simultaneously listening to the phoenix song and drinking the water of the fountain of youth from the holy grail. Problem solved humanity. Took you long enough.
I am not an expert on Hinduism. Most of what I learned about it comes from a particular scene in an Indiana Jones picture (Kali Ma Shakti de! Kali Ma Shakti de! Cover your heart Indy!). I do, however, know that Shiva gave birth to Ganesha (pictured above), who is blessed with the head of an elephant. Elephants have trunks that look like cucumbers. And after all, elephants are everyone’s favorite land mammal and have a wide range of ready symbolism available. Wise elephant, old elephant, strong elephant, silent elephant.
Seriously, I fucking LOVE elephants. I love their trunks and their tusks. Their wrinkly grey elephant crevasses. The word pachyderm. Or when they gleefully play with water. I love their gargantuan size and how deceptively hairy they are. I think I might be gay for elephants. Holy proboscis this is a new and alien sensation. Please don’t tell my Dad.
I have come upon an idea which I will now hereby coin Elephant Modernism. Seeing as how The Bleeps, the Sweeps, and the Creeps is an experimental music column, I will share with you a prime musical example. Watch the hypnotic majesty of Thai elephant percussion:
The music they created in that 50 second video is alarmingly complex. Tone changes drastically. We feel peace and calm throughout and then terror as they bang and thrash the percussion. The whistles shrill at the listener. The weather sheeting reverberates harshly while ousting the the soothing tones of the bamboo xylophone only to allow it to return. I would love to have that elephant xylophonist right next to my desk. Imagine the productivity. The soothing Asian elephant inspired productivity.
Vincent Van Golyphant
And they paint as well. Elephant Modernism is, after all, the ultimate form of Outsider art. These two examples of elephants creating represent our fascination with the elephant as well as a slightly controlling side of us that prods these beasts to create. Its done via coercion and some sort of weaponized peanut. So are humans making art through the elephants or are the elephants making their own art? This is sort of a postmodern question and I don’t really have the space to get into Elephant Postmodernism today, mostly because that concept, along with the original one, is bogus to begin with. Internetistic license.
You can find a bunch of videos of these talented elephants making art on youtube. There’s thousands of videos of them doing shit I wish they would do for me. (WARNING: barrage of badass elephant related videos) Like buy me soup. Or jump on a trampoline for my entertainment. Or fly like a jumbo jet. Please note this trend. Humans like to watch elephants do things that they physically cannot do. Or in the case of art, that we assume they cannot do.
In many instances the caretakers tell us that the beasts that are painting or playing music are quite happy and that it enriches their lives. They are simply fighting the good fight against the Pachyderm Condition. Coping with their sadness and place in the world, like humans who make and create. So may we trounce onward together– human and elephant hand in trunk. They contributing to the canon of Elephant Modernity, and We making videos about them doing things that they normally couldn’t do. It makes us all happy. Inter-special symbiosis at its finest. We can all be deceptively hairy together.
Tune in next week for topics including but not limited to: Things that smell.
Not fair – I wanted a real elephant on a trampoline
That was a dirty trick.
are there other pachyderms? like, are rhinos pachyderms? can they paint, too? maybe we should just do a whole week on animal outsider art?
Nice one, Chicken Flava. Pachyderm IS a great word. Remember there was that college-student moving company that Brett Dobbs was a representative for, called Pack-A-Dorm? Pretty awesome wordplay if you ask me.
One thing: I feel like the cucumber element wasn’t fully developed here… did I miss something? Do Hindus worship cukes?
Vicki: I meant no foul.
avantorg: I believe pachyderm is actually no longer an accepted scientific term, since the grouping itself was deemed arbitrary. Outside of science, laypeople like you and I would use it specifically to describe Elephants, hippos, and rhinos. I think the elephant finds himself so adroit because his trunk can grasp things. Also, they are capable of tenuous domestication. Hippos and rhinos on the other hand are fucking scary. Kinda hot in these rhinos.
Mr. Beebe: I was gonna talk a lot more about penises. Would that have satisfied your cucumber lust?
i really dig rhinos. and although they lack the subtle dexterity of the larger-eared pachyderms, i think they have qualities of their own that make them loveable. like big fucking horns. right in the middle of their faces. they’re like badass unicorns. and hippos swim awesome. see, look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svRy0woLxNA
It just occurred to me. Why is being deceptively hairy a good thing? I take issue with peaches, kiwis, and, sometimes, even balls, for that very reason.