dogface boy \/\/ don’t die…self mummify!

DON’T DIE

SELF-MUMMIFY!

5 EASY STEPS TO IMMORTALIZATION

You’re just wasting time here.

You could be so much more productive in the afterlife!

Three dozen Buddhist monks can’t be wrong.

Step 1     Preparation

Set aside 2000 days for your transition. This is a “slowly, but surely” process. Inform family and friends of your new decision. Ask them for help, you will be pleasantly surprised when you see just how many people will support your new direction in life. Be sure to sit down with your boss! Let him or her know that you will be taking a leave of absence and you hope they will consider having you back after your  personal matters are attended to. This is just in the rare case that it doesn’t work….There’s nothing worse than wasting 2 plus years of your time only to end up really hungry and without a job.

Step 2       The South Beach Diet

Remove ALL fat from your body. (No cutting!) A friend recommends  “Beyonce’s Master Cleanse Diet ” and a couple of nuts and seeds here and there. This will take time, maybe 1000 days, but remember: no pain no gain. At this point you should stop, step back, and reconsider. Why do you want to be a mummy?  Maybe now that you’re skinny, mortal life is worth living?  Finally, you’ll get that perfect job,  fit into those size 0 True Religion jeans, or catch that guy at the office you’ve been eyeing? I’m just saying, think about it. From here on out, there is no going back.

Step 3      Wilt, Wipe, and Wither

Ok, so this is the hard part…  your going to need to remove all of the moisture from your body.  All of it!   Spitting and peeing are the obvious methods to acheiving dessication, but you’re going to need to push yourself out of your comfort zone.  Back in the day, people ate bark and roots and drank poisonous tea made from the urushi tree to induce vomiting and other stuff. Lucky for you we live in the modern world. Swing by the nearest Costco and pick up a dozen of the cheapest family packs of diuretics you can find…. You’re gonna need a lot!  While your there, see if they have heating blankets, baking soda, and adult diapers. Start popping the pills, crap, crap, crap and crap….Once you’re too weak to make it to the toilet, put on your diaper. Sprinkle your blanket with a generous amount of baking soda, and wrap yourself up like a little taquitto. The heating blanket will make you sweat and the baking soda will help to absorb the liquids…. If you get hungry…DRY PASTA ONLY….. no exceptions no excuses.

Step 4    The Encasement

At this point, if you’re doing things right, you’ll need help from a friend. Have your friend dig a deep hole, line the hole with bricks of salt, and get in.You’re going to want to sit in the lotus position. The whole point of this is eternal sustainability, and I guess if you cross your legs it helps? I figure if you’re going to be alone in this dark salty box for a while, you may want to masturbate. This position will make it that much easier.

Step 5     Ventilation

This is the most important step. Now, you’ve come this far and you don’t want any quick asphyxiation to ruin all your hard work. I recommend one of those gas-mask bong contraptions, aim it at the sky and have your friend seal off the top of your tomb with more salt bricks. (Careful not to block the air way!) Just sit still, think happy thoughts, breathe slowly and wait. This is where patience comes in. At this point, you will be in a state of euphoria and probably hallucinating. At some time between the third and fifth week you will make the transition….you wont know it when it happens, but it will. And that’s the point, isn’t it? Blurring the connection between this temporary existence and the eternal life you deserve!

Tags: dogface boy, immortality, mummification, no one here gets out alive